The End is Here

I have decided that it is time for me to move on from Xanga.  I am at a point in my life where I want to start something new and begin with a clean slate.  I started this blog when I was 17 so that the people I was leaving behind when I went to college would be able to keep track of how I was doing.  That purpose has been served long ago, and it is time for something else. 

My new blog can be found at the following link:

mattshantz.blogspot.com

It's been fun, but now it's time for something new. 

The End.

I realized today at work that my last two entries have been a little down.  Okay, I realized that before today, but it really dawned on me this morning.  I was at work once again (the news of the day is that we are now bottling wine rather than champagne.  This means that I have a new job, I walk in circles and move boxes filled with empty bottles from a skid to a conveyor belt.  Good times) and as I have gotten into the habit I took a verse with me.  I have decided that I am going to take the summer to look at and meditate on verses related to trust/faith.  So last night I looked at my concordance and came up with Psalm 13:

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
       How long will you hide your face from me?

 2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
       and every day have sorrow in my heart?
       How long will my enemy triumph over me?

 3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
       Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

 4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
       and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

No I can hear what your probably thinking: “this doesn’t sound like the happy entry that Matt told us he was going to write.”  And that’s true, it doesn’t sound like the happy entry I told you I was going to write.  That is simply because I didn’t finish the Psalm yet.  I found myself relating to this Psalm.  Especially verse 2.  I wrestle with different thoughts a lot.  I wrestle with thoughts about relationships, about myself, about God, etc.  And it can feel like this thoughts are my enemies at times and are triumphing over me.  But let’s not take a look at verses 5-6:

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
       my heart rejoices in your salvation.

 6 I will sing to the LORD,
       for he has been good to me.

So how on earth did the Psalmist get from verse 2 to verses 5-6 (and I don’t want any wise cracks about using the numbers 3 and 4)?  I don’t know.  I don’t know what changed between verse 2 and verses 5-6.  From what I can tell…nothing.  Nothing changed between these points.  Which is nice to know.  I like to think of it as nothing changing.  Throughout this passage the Psalmist is crying out to God for answers, crying out for relief, and crying out for being saved from all of these problems.  But he still ends it with talking about God’s unfailing love, the heart rejoicing in salvation, and about God being good.  Now pardon me for a moment, but what?  For me, that would seem like a stretch; but it’s true.  And that is why today was a good day.  I can trust in God’s unfailing love despite whatever is going on in daily life, I can rejoice because He has saved me, and I can sing songs of praise to God because He has always been good to me.  So praise the Lord.

I also came up with another idea today.  I was thinking about one of my favourite authors, Donald Miller.  In one of his books (pardon me for now, I can’t remember which one of the top of my head.  I believe it is Searching For God Knows What, but don’t quote me on that) he talks about one summer where he intentionally went to watch the sunset every night.  He would bike up the hills and watch the sun set.  I don’t think I can commit at this time to doing it every night, but it is something that I have decided I want to do more often.  I want to watch the sunset…and tonight is the first night that I will do that.  And so I am off to enjoy the sunset.

I’ve been having a hard time the last while staying strong.  I want to be strong.  I want to be personally strong.  I want to be…but it’s hard.  This summer has not been one of great ease for me.  I am not where I want to be…in many senses.  But I want to be strong in this time.  I wish I was, but I’m finding it hard.  But I’ve come to a conclusion: I don’t have a choice, or the power to change it.  Sadly this conclusion is not one that comforts me; but I just have to do it, and I am.

I want to the summer to end.  Once again this coming week I am doing bottling work at a winery, a job that I wish I didn’t have to do.  I’m playing softball still, which brings me some joy, but not as much as I would like.  I’m hanging out with people occasionally, but I still find myself lonely.

Now most people will probably read this and believe that I am depressed, or something like that.  I wouldn’t go quite that far, but you would be right if you thought I was feeling down.  I want it to end.  I want the sadness to end; and I believe it will, but just not as soon as I would like.

I’m greatly looking forward to returning to Prov.  I will start my job there in 45 days.  That is something I’m looking forward to.  But even more than that I am looking forward to 54 days from now.  In 54 days people will return as well at that time, because training week starts in 56 days.  But I am stating the number as 54, because that is when I greatly hope people return. 

54 days…something I’m looking forward to a lot. 

But I don’t want to be living 54 days from now, today.  I want to be living today.  I know that God has something for me over these next 54 days, just as he has for you.  And maybe I will find myself in a funk for these next 54 days, maybe I will feel this way for the next 54 days (I find myself believing this will be the case and having a hard time in thinking that it couldn’t be).  And maybe that’s the lesson God has for me right now.  Maybe the lesson is in following God when I am in the funk.  Just a thought.

But still, 54 days……….please don’t let it be more.

It seems that I haven't written for awhile.  That is often the way that I start my blogs because it has often been awhile since I last wrote.  Such as now...it has indeed been awhile.  This would now be the spot that I promise that I'm going to start writting more often...that I'll do better.  But I'm not going to make that promise, because I most likely won't be able to back it up.  I'm simply going to try to do better, but we'll see how that goes. 

The last few days have been hard for various reasons...many of which I won't get into, cause I don't want to.  On Monday I started a new job working through the temp agency I am employed by.  Work was not something I was wanting to do, but making money was something that I pretty much needed to do.  So off to work I went.  It was one of the longest days I can remember.  The job is pretty simply...no, very simple...no, uncomfortably simple.  I'm working at a vineyard on their bottling line.  Most of it is machine operated but there are people there to make sure that things don't go crazy.  My job is to put the boxes together, then to take the finished bottled and put 12 in a box, and then push the box down a conveyor belt that tapes it shut.  This means that I stand in one spot for 8 hours (other than my 10 minute break and 20 minute lunch).  By the end of the day I was ready to not every go back...but I needed to so I did.

Tuesday morning I woke up and started to get ready for work.  My mom came downstairs to check on me and handed me a cuecard.  On this cuecard was a verse, Psalm 32:8:

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."

This verse spoke to me deeply.  The main reason is that I have recently found myself struggling with trusting God for my future.  In giving Him my desires and letting Him hold them for me...and decide which ones are going to happen.  I sometimes (despite my best efforts) view God as the tall kid on the playground who is holding something I want.  He slowly lowers it and just as I jump to get it, he yanks it back up.  I know this is inaccurate...but in my dark moments it is how I can't help but feel at moments. 

So I took this verse with me to work and simply read over it through the day; meditating on it and contemplating what God had to say to me that day, particularly through that verse.  I was left with one conclusion: God wants me to trust Him with everything.  Ouch!  Now that's a hard thing to swallow when your struggling with trust issues. 

So what does it mean to trust?  And why should I?  These are the questions I asked last night.  Today I took a different verse to work, Isaiah 26:3-4:

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.  Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal."

I still don't get it...and I'm still honestly struggling with trust issues.  But today for the first time in awhile, I found myself with some peace.  I spent the entire day contemplating this verse (it helps that the job requires no mental strength or effort at all)...and I started to find peace.  I'm still no there, but God is teaching me slowly what it looks like to trust Him.  That I can give him the desires of my heart and He can be trusted with this.  It doesn't necessarily mean that I will get those desires back...but it means that He can be trusted with them.  He has good gifts for His children.  I want to let go, but I'm finding it really hard.  It's coming slowly.  I am hoping and praying that as I give my desires to God, that they will come back.  But part of learning this trust is knowing that they might not.  But God, please give them back in time. 

I can trust God fully, but I can still pray that He grant the desires of my heart in His perfect way and in His timing. 

The Adventures of Matt (and others)

There once was a boy named Matt Shantz.  Matt still does exist...but this is a story about what Matt has done, not what he is currently doing.

 Needless to say he was a very attractive man.  When Matt graduated from High School he moved to Otterburne Manitoba to attend Providence College.  It was here where Matt spent the past 4 years of his life....until he graduated.  It was a proud and strange day for young Matt.  Matt Even got the opportunity to be his class valedictorian.

After graduation Matt needed to go somewhere until he had a job.  Since his family was at grad he traveled with them and returned home.

When Matt got home he soon met up with his beautiful girlfriend (Laura). 

Laura, along with a few friends, went on a roadtrip to Ontario after grad.  This meant that Matt was able to spend a few days with Laura...which of course made Matt very happy.  While Laura and her friends were in Ontario, Matt went with them to Niagara Falls.  Dayna was there, but was a little bit of a loner at times.

Laura and Matt spent several days together.  During this time they went on a very nice walk with one another.  It was a great opportunity to spend some time just the two of them.

It was also during this time that Matt gained some peace about the future...that God has a clear perspective.  While thinking of this Matt tried to take a picture that had a good perspective.  This is what he came up with:

For the first time in Matt's life he can legally write this: Matt Shantz, B.A.  It is the end of one chapter for Matt, but the beginning of many more.